Battling multiple identities can and is complex, there is always a niggle at the back of my head when meeting new people as to just how open about life to be. Do they need to know my complicated history of mental ill health? Do they need to know I'm pansexual, gender fluid and polyam? It will become clear I'm a parent but does it need to be said out loud? Or are or is there a way of keeping these things contained, bit like the elusive round peg fitting snug in a round hole, only I am not a round peg and my life is far from a round hole, instead it is a star shaped peg trying its hardest to be transparent with life, as why hide what is intrinsic and by denying it to those whom matter is denying it to me.
Childhood plagued with attraction to humans, genitals or wanted genitals had no impact on the attraction, just people as a whole fascinated and still do send me off day dreaming to what could potentially be, and how will they perceive me? Will they get to know the hyper, energiser bunny? Or the on the floor taking all energy just to sit and rock when the depths of depression creep in, whilst the whole time riding the wave of pansexuality and the non-conforming to heterosexual and monogamy idealogy. As years passed names and terms begun to feature, they made sense, but bipolar why that, am I a bear disguised as a human, for I knew of human bears and fairly confident I don't meet their requirements. And Bisexual didn't work as gender is a spectrum, certainly not binary so why make me choose a side to which my attraction lay?
Mid 20s, attending Bi-Con for the first time, realising hey its ok I am me, I am valid, and others like me exist, they will embrace me for me and to hell with mainstream society this is heaven on earth and I don’t want its tranquillity and self-care to end, only to be on a downer when it did, counting days till the next 4 days with epic humans who got the real me, unmasked and unfocused.
But then just as I found self-acceptance back into the closet I was forced, bolts on, rope shackled to failing limbs as parenting begun. Asked at stay and plays “what does your husband do” whilst muttering to myself “rot in hell as he was a violent pig, feeble excuse of a human none I am glad to be shot of” hiding choosing not to disclose the then female with me was in fact my girlfriend at the time as the boy I was regularly with was also my boyfriend, how to explain this when raised as an Orthodox Jew, it'd certainly get the community talking for all the wrong reasons.
Time passed and we come to the present day, mental wealth is slowly once more rebuilding, a solid group of friends who get me for me, they embrace the star peg and avoid at all costs attempting to get it to conform, the summers bring solace and Bi-Con once more, my daughter is 6, aware her parent is hers, but different to many, yet due to the naivety and innocence of childhood takes it in her stride.
Life might be days of highs, weeks of lows, but the intrinsic fabric is there, no shits who knows, I am Lea, I am Pansexual, Polyam, Bipolar and won’t fit as a round peg in your hole for you nor anyone and for the most part I am loved and cared for by my chosen village and they are epic.
